America's arch-villian unwrapped

August 26, 2011 -

By Ron HartRon Paul made clear the distinction between us libertarians and the GOP in his presidential debates: Libertarians are against all these wars. Paul is looked upon as the crazy old uncle who defies the Republican article of faith that all wars are good. It is hard being right or, better said, "correct."

We spend one trillion dollars, 5,500 American lives and countless maimed and injured soldiers traipsing though countries that hate us more for the "favor." To what end? We continue spending on ill-thought-out wars, which grows government (the only reason Obama escalated Afghanistan). And Ron Paul is the crazy one?

Let's talk about the threat that was Osama bin Laden, the "mastermind" of al-Qaeda. Here is a man, America's evil villain whom we have been so conditioned to fear, who lived a sad life locked in a nasty house with three wives (punishment enough) and no Internet.

The day bin Laden updated his Facebook status to "dead," we learned the man was a paper tiger. His last words were, "Honey, see if that is Domino's delivery knocking at the door."

Bin Laden was found with porn, pot, hair dye and stiffy pills, drinking Pepsi in a Snuggie and watching himself on TV. For a guy who hates America, he really "went Hollywood." The only reason he did not bomb L.A. was out of professional courtesy.

With all that weed, no wonder he never got around to doing anything for 10years.

It upsets me to read how al-Qaeda tried to make bin Laden look brave by saying that he was not dead. Then they checked his Facebook status, and now say he "fought bravely against American forces" to his death. I am so mad I am canceling my al-Qaeda Daily subscription. Last year I canceled The New York Times but kept getting my al-Qaeda Daily because it treated America with more respect.

While top U.S. officials have been reviewing bin Laden's porn (carefully) for months now, I have found out some of the titles. I am told that "Deep Goat" was the oldest in his collection, along with "Debbie Does Damascus, Islamabed," the instructional video "How to Find Her Jihad Spot" and, inexplicably, a pre-release director's cut of "The Help."

Al-Qaeda media are now saying the porn was planted in his room by the infidels. I tried that excuse in high school: it never flew.

Of more strategic importance is the diary kept by the sensitive and reflective bin Laden. However, CIA intelligence officers have not gleaned much info from it because they have not found a duplicate little "Hello Kitty" diary key to open it.

Low-level sources in D.C. tell me that in his journal he wrote that he really hoped Kate Middleton and Prince William would be happy. Al-Qaeda wrestled for five years with whether to develop exploding boxers or briefs. And bin Laden predicted that among them the Kardashian sisters would eventually marry the entire NBA All-Star Team.

We have found out other things about our arch villain. His son says he was a mean father and only had air conditioning installed in his own bedroom. It turns out the guy was kind of a jerk. And you think you know somebody.

Leon Panetta, Obama's CIA director who was brought to the White House mainly because he was old enough to buy the staffers booze, continues to reveal how sad a life bin Laden lived and says that our real concern should be how complicit Pakistan was in hiding him. Never mind that bin Laden was on "Pakistani Idol" and had opened 40 bin-Laden's Cupcake Shoppes around the country. Pakistani officials did a Sgt. Schultz regarding his where-Abbata-bouts.

We even had to have our human drone, Senator John Kerry, convince Pakistan to give us - after they let the Chinese look it over - our helicopter tail-piece left at the scene of bin Laden's demise. One would think finding a piece of tail would fall into Bill Clinton's area of expertise.

We kill one after another al-Qaeda head with drones, so they continue to search for a leader. Ashton Kutcher bowed out when he took Charlie Sheen's "Two and a Half Men" lead. Al-Qaeda seeks a charismatic religious zealot who believes in a theocracy. Perhaps Bachmann, Santorum or Perry can apply once they are done running for the GOP nomination.